My alarm is going to go off in three hours and I really should be sleeping but lately there have been a lot of nights where my thoughts keep me up into the wee hours (which I guess are really just normal hours for most college students). Other nights I'm able to fall asleep at 9:00 without a stir. You win some and you lose some. I lie in bed most nights stressing about how I'm not graduated from college, not married, childless, haven't received that raise I've been dreaming of for far too long, and these days my bank account looks like a seven year olds piggy bank. As soon as these thoughts come the mean thoughts are soon to follow. I begin to feel mad at myself for not being skinny and then it's all downhill from there if you know what I mean.
This sounds like a pity party because it pretty much is. I have been trying to figure where this sudden self dissatisfaction came from since I'm actually really happy with my day to day life. I guess all of this is mostly coming from my worry of what other people are saying or thinking. I mean I honestly worry that people are talking about how I'm a loser, or how behind I am in life compared to other people my age or when they were my age. Isn't that just silly? I mean a) I doubt anyone is actually that mean to say or think thoughts like that, and b) why should I care if anyone cares? My life is good and I still have so much life ahead of me to reach my dreams that I'm shooting for now, and the dreams that don't even exist yet. Just this afternoon I was running up Emigration Canyon and it was windy and hard and I had to walk a lot because I forgot to eat today and I was weak. When I got to the top there was nobody around for the first time in my experience and the view seemed to be more breathtaking than usual. It was such a high for me to be outside again after being cooped up with the stomach flu, and the overcast weather and green hills made me feel like I was living in Ireland again. I ran down the steep hill with my arms spread wide since nobody was around and I kept saying to myself how beautiful life is and how grateful I am to be alive. I actually said those words in my head. Life is beautiful and I am grateful to be alive. The feeling was overwhelming and almost too much to be contained. I wanted to do a fist pump in the air for the big Man upstairs but then a biker came by so I decided against it (remember, I care what people think..).
Anyway I guess what I am trying to get at is between what I felt this afternoon and what I felt tonight as I was trying to fall asleep I'm seeing how important it is to do things that are good for my soul, and I can't be so hard on myself. I mean there's always going to be something that I can worry about. Always. I can also always care about what people think, but how cool would it be if I didn't?! I mean I wonder how I would feel everyday? I think my self worth would be greater. That is kind of funny because shouldn't my self worth come from what I think of myself and not what I am worried other people think of me? I am letting the thoughts that I think other people are having of me become what I think of myself. That is just crazy and it ends now. I am awesome and I am going to keep dreaming big but also being happy with whatever I get. And if all else fails I will always hold the (self deemed) title of Favorite Aunt. I will always have that going for me.
I can sleep now.
-Maddi
