thank you, thank you, you're far to kind

Dear Snow Canyon High School,
        I just wanted to thank you for finally figuring out that we, cheerleaders, are mindless! I was wondering, with the brain that I don't have, what was taking you guys so long to come up with a master plan to expose us of our stupidity, but thanks to the wonderful student body it looks like you are headed on the right track. I must say it was very tactful of you to secretly film all of us after our hard, heart racing, mind boggling, sport like practice. How thoughtful it was of you to realize that we all love attention and would want nothing more then to have a video made of just us for the whole school to enjoy. I was quite disappointed when you decided that video could probably get you in to a little trouble with the parents after something was said to you about it.
    To all you really cool, popular, mature, boys who stand on the front row during basketball games I would like to specifically thank you for being such awesome fans and asking us to sit down during time outs. It is very classy, and I know that the world will benefit from your intellectual words. I'm quite impressed with your ability to yell things at the other team, especially the really short ones. I am sure they enjoy hearing you yell must destroy the ring every time they have the ball as much as I do.
    Snow Canyon how did you guys know that we clearly think we are way better then the Volleyball players. How did you know that we think our trophy's are way more important to the whole world then the volleyballs State Champ trophy. I thought we were hiding our pride of our wins, you know since the district decided to not allow us to compete with the schools insurance the day before our competition. We thought by having someone back out on their promise, because we are clearly worthless, would help make us look humble but I guess not. At least the secret is out. At least now we don't have to pretend that we are awful like you tell us!
    I'm so glad that you now realize that we talk in really high, squeaky voices with delayed answers. What a relief it shall be to no longer have to try and disguise my voice.
   To all you Eshelles, thank you so much for making fun of us while we are cheering! It is just so much fun, and it really is such a knee slapper! But don't worry all mighty ones, we won't stand up and start mocking you in the middle of your performance because obviously that would just be rude. I agree one hundred percent that drill is a sport and should be fully funded and cheer should not even be allowed to take a bus! Who believes in having fun and team bonding in high school anyways?
   I'm glad that you are all okay with the fact that we obviously only date football players. Preferably we try and pair each girl with someone of her worthiness. For instance the head cheerleader (that we don't even have) ALWAYS dates the captain of the football team, or the quarterback. Usually just depending on looks and level of skill of course. Oh dear I accidently just glued my hand to my head with my hairspray as I am typing this.
     I was worried for a second that you all might think we actually do things for the school and we don't just stand in a formation doing hand motions. I would just die if you thought that all those beads and crap we throw out is coming from our own pockets, and the trips we take to cheer for the team, heaven forbid the school help us out with those! The one thing I never did understand, probably due to the fact that I am so unintelligent and have no brain, is why everyone says how annoying we are but when we don't show up to a game we are in the wrong.
    You Warriors don't understand how hard it is only caring about our looks. I mean we have to block out anything smart that pops into our head so that we can better apply our bump its and acrylic nails. But I can testify to you that the saying "beauty is pain" is true.
    So thank you all for showing us how truly wonderful we are! You are all so wonderful in your efforts to make sure that we are portrayed the same way as movie star cheerleaders, Keep up the good work in your totally original joke! Stay classy Snow Canyon...    xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxo